Friday, September 09, 2005

Manifesto


I am a bad librarian


I believe the money I get paid aint worth the abuse and that patrons are scum. I don’t think we should be the targets of frustrated losers who spew out poison onto any figure of the establishment sitting in front of them.

I feel the budget should go to books not porn machines placed in front of gummy-handed perverts.

I’m not in touch with my feelings except when I shout, “god damnit this fucking computer has crashed again!”.

I believe that European civilization was mostly a good thing and I don’t need to apologize for Plato, DaVinci, Thomas Edison or William Shakespeare.

I do not believe that Cleopatra, a Phoenician was an early African American nor that John F. Kennedy was out to help the common man.

I don’t think having a MSLS necessarily means you are a weirdo/nerd/lunatic but the odds are overwhelming that this is true.

I do think Children’s Librarians are “special” but not in a good way.

If you come to the desk and speak Spanish don’t expect me to answer your question, I’ll get Timmermann to do that.

The American Library Association represents Library Administrators and has nothing at all to do with librarians.

I believe the longest two hours in any human beings life is an Executive Board Meeting of the Librarian’s Guild

My heroes are David Watkins, Bernard Goetz and David Lynch. (David Watkins killed himself by drinking insecticide after his wife told him he could not drink alcohol ever again.)

I believe the government should pay a man to sit at the corner of 5th and Grand with an elephant gun to shoot to death SUV drivers, talking on cell phones, running the red light.

I believe that if a patron attacks you verbally or physically you should have carte blanch to kick their ass with any means possible. If that means carving them up on the broken glass of an escalator then so be it.

I firmly believe in the library Peter principle where the most incompetent rise to the top. Take a look above you and draw your own conclusions.

I believe that there are some things in life worse than death and disease. For example, having to read another Mel Rosenberg piece in the Communicator.

I know it is forbidden to offend people with talk involving the slightest reference to sex in the workroom but it is alright to bore the absolute hell out of everyone in earshot talking about the ALA convention.

If you have ambition to rise up in this world, library should not be a word in your vocabulary unless it refers to a strip club in Nevada.
I don’t apologize for being bitter and resentful. I became this way by using my mind for good and getting my guts stomped out for trying.

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